Take me away to some place real
by 19RosesofLifeandDeath98
Summary: Cassian has been in this fight since he was six years old, and he thinks he may be ready for more. I am rebelcaptain trash. Sweet Jesus someone give Cassian a hug.


_So when I'm ready to be bolder,_  
 _And my cuts have healed with time_  
 _Comfort will rest on my shoulder_  
 _And I'll bury my future behind_  
 _I'll always keep you with me_  
 _You'll be always on my mind_  
 _But there's a shining in the shadows_  
 _I'll never know unless I try_  
 _\- Home, Gabrielle Aplin_

Espionage is more than a livelihood. He can't pack up and leave it behind like the rest of the Rebellion. It's the scars that weave across his skin. The blood he swears he can never clean from his finger nails. A hundred pairs of eyes from a hundred stolen lives watching his every move.

It's inescapable. It doesn't matter that he lives in a place where no one knows him as Captain Andor. It doesn't matter how many years go by without him so much as touching a blaster. He will always bear the taint of that life on his soul.

In moments like this one, though, he can almost forget. Here on the most remote corner of Lah'mu, he can pretend peace is all he's ever known.

He lets the doughy sand smooth out his rough edges, the churning waves drown out the voices in his head, the ocean breeze fill his lungs and expunge the smoke inside his chest. He lets the man he was evaporate under the heat of the summer sun.

A sun that suddenly goes dark as the wind falls away from his face. Cassian opens his eyes.

Jyn looms over him, arms crossed over her chest and hip cocked sideways. Her hair is down, carelessly tossing about her face. She's wearing a white dress, delicate material leaving _nothing_ to the imagination. The sight alone could bring him to his knees if he weren't already flat on his back.

Her lips tease into a grin, "¿Cansadas?"

Cassian shakes his head, "Contento."

Jyn squints like she doesn't believe him. The glint in her eyes is brighter to him than any star in the galaxy.

"Maybe we should have saved our…" she's smug as she searches for something appropriate, " _picnic_ for later."

He raises an eyebrow and cranes his neck so he can see the spot along the tree line where they'd left their things. A blanket lays in the grass with various articles of clothing strewn around it like an odd halo. A basket sits, filled with food he'd prepared earlier in their bungalow. He hadn't even given them a chance to enjoy it, seeking out her lips as soon as she'd set the basket down.

He'd made love to her – _worshiped her –_ slow and passionate like he wanted. Because he could. Because no one was there to take her away from him. Because she looked at him like a man without a past life he couldn't escape.

She looks at him now, eyes playful, wearing a smirk he wants to kiss for the rest of his life.

"Cassian," she whines, kicking his foot, "come in the water with me."

He sighs as he sits up, feigning a neutral expression, "You want to go in?"

"Sí." she gives a curt nod and squares her shoulders.

He's more than willing to rise to the challenge.

"As you wish." he says, and without a breath of hesitation, he leaps up and charges her.

He knows she can evade him with ease, but she seems in the mood to humor him. He wraps his arms around her lean waist and hoists her body over his shoulder. He makes a big show of it, jostling her and spinning around whenever he feels like it. She laughs and the sound is sweeter than music.

When the waves come up to the middle of his thigh he heaves her in. She reemerges behind a curtain of dark hair. He laughs, reaching out to tuck it behind her ears. Without thinking, he leans in to capture her disarming smile beneath his lips. She does the same. Even after so many years together – so many kisses shared – his heart stutters the moment before they touch. The anticipation burns in his stomach like a hard whiskey.

She pulls away, kicking up a blast of water that douses him from his chin down. He coughs and laughs and is on her in an instant. They are merciless in their assault, both trying to gain the upper hand. Somehow, despite her size, she manages to get on top of him. Her hands are on his shoulders, pushing him down with all of her weight. He lets himself go under, welcoming the bite of salt water on his cheeks. Kicking off the sand bar, he lunges for her.

His hands grasp nothing but seafoam as he resurfaces. She's disappeared from view and he grins. He wheels around, ready for her to attack from behind, but there's nothing there.

Something akin to dread unfurls in his chest.

"Jyn?" he says, unable to keep his voice even.

He turns and turns and turns but she's gone. He scans the beach, the water. Gone.

"Jyn!"

The sun disappears behind swollen, grey clouds and he realizes he can no longer see the shore. He stands alone, shivering in an endless ocean as if this is all that has ever existed.

" _Jyn_!"

There's a burst of light, like the sun has fallen from the sky and crashed into the horizon. He feels the earth tremble. The waves clamor over one another in an attempt to escape it.

He breathes her name again, awestruck and terrified as he's blinded, _burned_ by the light. The shock wave hits him long before the water does and he feels everything in his being shatter. His soul is ripped from his body. Scars torn from his skin. Bones returned to stardust.

0o0o0o0

Espionage simplifies the affair of waking up. He is asleep and then he is awake, thrown face-first into consciousness and expected to land on his feet. He doesn't gasp for air or cry out or even move his head. He has been bred to always have his guard up, even when he can no longer keep his eyes open.

Still, years of training seem to do nothing as his heart slams against his ribs with a force he's certain will rattle the whole ship. He swallows and tries to control his breathing, assess his surroundings. Bodhi and K-2 are in the cockpit. With the interior lights off everything is bathed in the blue and silver light of hyperspace. His back aches and there's a knot at the base of his neck from falling asleep upright. The weight pressed against his side sends his heart beating impossibly faster, but he doesn't believe it until he looks down and _sees_ her.

 _Jyn_.

She is solid and blessedly real, her head tucked against his shoulder where she belongs. When he presses his face into her hair, petrichor overwhelms his senses.

 _Jyn._

Remnants of the nightmare still sit uncomfortably in his stomach, but he relaxes a bit. He curls his fingers into the material of her jacket, using it as an anchor. Memories of the real world come back to him slowly.

Their mission had been successful, but it was a close call. Baze had sustained two blaster wounds, one in the leg and one in the side. He'd still managed to take down a dozen troopers on his own. Chirrut had put him on 24 hour bedrest, charging himself with monitoring Baze's health and reapplying bacta.

After notifying the Alliance, they'd been instructed to rendezvous with another unit in the Sprizen sector before returning to base.

Blinking away the last haze of sleep, Cassian takes the data pad from his lap and sets it beside him on the bench. A smile teases his lips as he grabs the one about to slip from Jyn's fingers. She'd stayed up with him, going through reports and documenting their progress.

She shifts and murmurs something incoherent, hand coming to rest atop his knee. The phantom of understanding pulls at his chest.

It had been a dream. He hadn't lost Jyn, died alone. For that, he holds her tighter. But that means the rest of it hadn't been real, either. They were still here, in the Rebellion. The idea of lazy walks along the beach and a quiet town where no one knew them was still a fantasy.

Realization enters his mind at light-speed. He wants that. He wants that life for them, _desperately._ The two of them had made vague mentions of a life beyond the war from time to time, but now he can admit to himself that he wants more. He is ready for _more_. This conviction leaves him breathless, his mind whirling.

Jyn burrows deeper still into Cassian's side before slowly lifting her head to offer him a lopsided smile.

"Buenos dias," her words are jumbled together like she can't remember how to separate them.

She sits up and without thinking, Cassian grabs her elbow. He knows it's ridiculous. It was a dream. Jyn won't disappear if they're more than an inch apart from one another, yet he can't bring himself to take his eyes away from her.

Jyn glances at his hand, surprised, before meeting his gaze. Understanding settles over her face in an instant.

"Nightmare?" she asks, voice low.

He isn't sure how to answer. Losing her _is_ his greatest fear, but as he's realized, building a life with her is his greatest dream.

Jyn, clearly unsettled by the silence, laces her fingers through his and starts toward their quarters. He follows, catching Bodhi's eye briefly. The look on his face shows that he knows something isn't right, but must trust Jyn to settle whatever it is.

0o0o0o0

Jyn lets him go in order to remove her gloves as the cabin door seals shut. This part of the ship is quieter than the cockpit, and he does his best to keep his pained breathing silent. Before he can scrape together some semblance of composure, her hands are on his face, gentle but possessive. It's difficult to get his own thoughts in order when she looks at him this way, a fierce softness only she could manage. The pads of her thumbs trace the rise of his cheeks.

"Mi alma," she says earnestly.

It's an incomplete thought. Not a question. Not a demand. An offering, falling from her lips as if she couldn't control it. He loves her so desperately in that moment he can't breathe.

"Jyn," he starts without knowing where to do so.

His hands scramble up her arms, clutching her shoulders with dire need.

"I'm here." she practically whispers, "What is it?"

He closes his eyes, picturing Lah'mu the way he'd dreamed it. He imagines the sand between his toes, walking comfortably beside Jyn like the weight of the galaxy didn't rest on their shoulders.

Pressing his forehead to hers, he takes a breath and says "Whenever we talk about…" he searches for the words, "settling down, it's always after the war is over."

Jyn, his clever, quick-witted Jyn, looks utterly stumped, like she has no clue where he's going with this.

His grip on her shoulders tightens, willing her to understand, "Jyn, you and I both know that even if we take down the Empire-"

"It'll never really be over." she says with a somber expression, and his heart surges with the desire to change it.

"It'll never be over." he echoes, "So why wait?"

Jyn freezes for several moments, processing what he's said and what it means. Then she's gaping at him, wide eyes searching him like this could be a trick.

"Cassian, you –" she cuts herself off and turns away, pacing to the far wall.

It terrifies him. Even in the heat of their fiercest arguments, they've stayed close, pushing into each other's space. This distance feels wrong, like he's been knocked out of orbit and is drifting helplessly through space.

He's certain he'll choke on the anticipation when she turns and looks at him with that same soft intensity. Her eyes are searching his face, and whatever she finds makes her smile despite herself.

"Where would we go?" she muses, like she can't believe what she's saying.

Cassian licks his lips hungrily, tasting the possibility in her words.

0o0o0o0

It takes them a little longer than expected.

For a long time, the idea lives as a possibility between them. Nothing more tangible than whispered dreams shared late at night. The idea gains weight when they start a list – first just in their heads, then on little scraps of paper Cassian carries in his pocket, then an actual data pad folder Jyn titles _home._

There's a rebel cell working to liberate Lah'mu. It isn't a strategic position for the Alliance, but Jyn and Cassian don't care. They tell their team what they're planning, and the only question comes from Bodhi.

"When do we leave?"

Jyn is much more excited to return to Lah'mu than she lets on, and once Chirrut gets her started, she doesn't stop talking about it until they break atmosphere.

Together they work to tidy up their little corner of the universe and eventually the rest of the galaxy follows.

Cassian takes to domesticity very well, though he's the only person that seems surprised. The peace still feels unearned, now and again. He thinks his life should have ended on a different beach. His scars should have been burned to ash instead of smoothed with time.

His name on her lips – unabashed and unburdened – chases those ghosts away. They belong in another life, not here. Here he lets the sunlight find the darker places of his heart, the ocean baptize his soul. Here he is no more than a man walking along the shore. And he is at peace.

 _'Cause they say home is where your heart is set in stone_  
 _Is where you go when you're alone_  
 _Is where you go to rest your bones_  
 _It's not just where you lay your head_  
 _It's not just where you make your bed_  
 _As long as we're together, does it matter where we go?_  
 _Home_


End file.
